Liquid Paper
by so contagiously
Summary: A little voice in her head was screaming 'Damnit, Ellie, don't fall for it! He's not worth it' while another, much louder, yelled, 'Ellie! He loves you'
1. Relax Relapse

"Stop! Stop! God damnit, listen to yourself! You're out of key!"

The red-head strutted towards the boy holding the guitar, black boots slapping against the tiles with force. She licked her glossed lips in frustration and crossed her arms over the tight black short-sleeved top. She tapped her foot impatiently, taking off her tight red jacket she had put on over the top. This revealed a parade of bracelets, black, white, and red. As she stood the black and white checkered mini-skirt went back and forth, the only thing holding it up on her tiny frame being a large black belt. She paused to think for a moment, running a hand through the mess of hair on her head. Earlier that morning it had been put in two braids, but by now she had pulled it down. She wrenched the guitar from his hands and softly began strumming, as if feeling it. Then a few seconds later she was getting faster, starting to play what seemed to be a rock song. It soon transitioned to be slow and steady, maybe a country song of some sorts. She handed it back to him after giving him detailed pointers on going from fast to slow.

"What crawled up your ass, Ellie Nash?"

His voice was obviously angry as his old converses pounded against the tiles themselves. He looked at the people around them. They had all made tons of mistakes, too. Why was he being the only one called out? He blew a strand of dark hair out of the way of his vision and shook his head a little. He didn't bother waiting for a reply. He situated the guitar on his tired-looking jeans before starting to do just as his friend had done seconds ago. He kept at it, trying harder and harder to get it right, his eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. He looked up at her and she simply shook her head, it wasn't working as he had wanted it to. It seemed she felt the same way.

"I'm just going to have to give the guitar solo to someone else, Craig." Ellie shrugged. "Sorry." But Craig thought she didn't care at all. No, on the contrary, she was trying to pull him out of the spotlight. She was mad at him for something, and she was slowly ruining his chance at being something big at the Christmas special. He stood up and clutched his guitar in one hand.

"You're not sorry, Ellie!" he shook his head. "No, you're trying to get me as far out of this production as possible!" he couldn't see the problem, why was she being so horrible? Or was he imagining how bratty she was being? No, no that wasn't it. That wasn't possible.

"The principal assigned me as director of the music portion of the Christmas Show, and guess what? I'm the director. I make decisions. You can't take that you're not as good as some people here! Craig Manning, do you always have to be in the spotlight!" she looked around then pointed, her lips forming a thin line. "There's the door."

They got to face to face, glaring, noses touching. He was waiting for her to back down, but she wouldn't do it. She was Ellie Nash, and her damn pride would never let her do such a thing. Even if her eyes flashed the tinist glimpse of regret he couldn't see it. He stepped back and sat down.

"ANYONE ELSE!" she looked around at the kids around her. They all stayed silent, some with their jaws hanging slightly open. No one said a word. She nodded and waved her hand dissmissively, as if it was time for them to start playing again.

----

Her friends were all in the holiday spirit. She usually was. Hell, even last year, she had been so excited to go shopping to buy her friend's gifts and to decorate the tree. But this year, it was different. She was most likely to wish for nothing more than to hide in her bed with her hart in tact and her friends happy, but far away. Was she being difficult? Yes. Was it her friend's own faults for suffocating her with Holiday Cheer? Yes.

She tugged at her black leather gloves lightly, just to be moving her hands. It gave her a comforting feeling to hear the snow crunching underneath her boot. She was all alone on the walkway, on her way to school. It was a new day. Ellie planned on seeing how long it would take for Marco to try and cheer her up.

Speak of the devil.

Her best friend came in a whirlwind of a green jacket, red cloth gloves, and silver Christmas-tree decorations. Ellie raised an eyebrow as the dark-headed boy wrapped the tinsel around the red-head's neck from behind, laughing cheerfully before doing his own version of a 'Happy Holidays!' dance to cheer Ellie up. It didn't work, though. Ellie left the tinsel on, though. Screw it, it wasn't even worth pulling- scratch that, ripping- off. If she felt like it, she'd surely rip it off and hand it back with a smirk on her face. But she'd hold it back, for now at least.

"Don't you love it?" Marco murmured. "The smells, the sights, the snow! I love the sound of the snow crunching under your shoes-" Ellie cringed a little at that. She understood that, and she didn't want to understand Marco right now. She wanted to understand herself, and that was all. "-and I adore seeing everyone in such a great mood, I don't see how anyone could hate this time of year." Marco gave a shoulder shrug and a bright smile.

"Bah Humbug." Came her sarcastic reply, as a few of her not-so-friends had already politely dubbed her 'Scrooge' behind her back any way. Not-so-friends meaning one Paige Michalchuk and Hazel Aden, both in their relationship-centered square when doing so. Ellie hadn't really liked the idea of Paige and Spinner getting back together, Idiot and The Beast, it seemed. Eh. She'd come up with much better the first time around. That damn happiness surrounding her was even making her jokes stale.

Marco didn't seem happy with her reply. "Marco, baby!" Paige said as they walked towards the door of the school building. She gave Ellie a cold glare and Ellie laughed. "I'm out of here." It shouldn't have surprised her that Marco didn't say goodbye. Instead, he just turned to Paige and started on his annual gossip-spree. Bastard.

She wouldn't let it get to her, though. Marco was never worth getting to her, that was for sure. But as she made her way towards her locker, nothing better to meet her eyes than a public display of affection, eh? She walked past the brunette and the dirty-blonde, deciding not to comment. However, the girl in the pair pulled back when she saw the other. She wiped her lips with the sleeve of her sweater as if to get rid of the boy's after-taste. "I'm sorry, did we bother you?" she said sincerely.

Ellie laughed a little and put on a smile. "How could I be mad at the two i cutest /i kids in Degrassi?" she joked, popping her locker open. It was true, Ashley and Jay were a nice couple, no matter how different they may've seemed. Ellie secretly smiled quite often when she saw them happy together, she had brought them together, after all. She had gotten Jay to call up his courage and ask Ashley. Ellie the little match-maker, but match-makers never get the love they give, do they?\

Ashley nodded slightly in reply before grabbing Jay and crushing their lips together. Jay hadn't said a word to Ellie. She made a note of it in her head. This usually meant something was going on, Jay never shut up. When she thought about it, she had seen nothing but the back of Jay's head. What in the world? She slipped into Mrs. Kwan's class just before the bell, the only seat being beside one Marco Del Rossi. Damnit.

"I'm sure you've all heard of the annual holiday showcase being hosted by the gallery." the teacher folded her hands and her eyes darted from student to student. As she passed the desk at which Gavin "Spinner" Mason was sitting, she pulled him into an upright sitting position by his shirt collar.

"In light of the afforementioned showcase, I have decided to turn your midterm into a project." she gave a wry smile before beginning her trek back to the chalkboard from the very back desk of the room. "You will be put into groups of two. Each group will be given a traditional holiday story or song.. depending on which category you choose." her smile faltered slightly at the fact that Mr. Mason was, yet again, falling into a bit of a slumber. She walked slowly over to the desk he was sitting at. When she reached the first desk, she began listing groups.

"Ashley, you will be partnered with Jimmy Brooks. Heather Sinclaire, Hazel Aden. Paige Michalchuk, Jay Hogart. And Gavin..." her hard gaze lingered on him as he slowly sat up. "You will be paired with Ellie Nash."

Ellie coughed into her hand and turned to look at Spinner, just to see the look on his face. His jaw had slightly dropped, and by now he was sitting up as straight as possible. Ellie shot a look at Mrs. Kwan, however the older decided to ignore this icy cold glare and watch as teh groups slowly got together. Spinner smirked a little at this. He wouldn't have to do anything, Ellie was always getting A's or something.

"Sup, vampire?" were the first words that came out of his mouth. Ellie had expected this. She hadn't thought of him having a touch of class in the least.

"Spell vampire, Spinner." she snipped. She was happy with this insult, she was gaining her style back. She twisted a ring around her finger absent-mindely, waiting for Spinner to make a lack-luster insult.

"Well, at least I have a girlfriend!" he said as quick as it popped into his head. Bingo. Ellie laughed at that one, trying to send a chill down Spinner's spine, trying to make him realize that this had had no effect on her. She was good at playing with people's emotions, especially when in a bad mood.

"If I recall correctly, Gavin," she started slowly. "-and believe me, I remember this vividly." she smirked. "You were the one asking me out at last thirteen times a day when I first came to Degrassi."

"And if I recall correctly, Eleanor," he spat venomously, glaring at her, "I was asking you out because not only were you hot- but you weren't a poser!"

Ellie had expected Spinner to come up with some lame comment as usual; in fact, she had completely tuned him out. But when she heard her full first name and the word poser, time seemed to freeze as her pen clattered to the ground and she slowly turned to face him.

"What did you call me?" she whispered slowly.

"You heard me. I called you a poser."

Ellie had been hit with this threat many many times before, but this was the first time it had ever hurt.

"That's what you are, El. You're a poser. You changed yourself for these people! What happened to the Ellie we used to know? The real Ellie? The one who was born with the videocamera permanently attached to her hand? The Ellie who had more musical talent than Craig Manning and Ashley Kerwin combined? What happened to her? I'll tell you what happened. She sold out. Gave in to lipgloss, blonde hair, and beach bunnies. She's dead, Ellie. And it's all your fault."

There were tears in her eyes, and she refused to show it. Spinner Mason just beat her in an insult fight. Spinner Mason just made her realize she was an idiot. Spinner Mason just made her cry. She didn't retaliate. When she knew she had been beaten, she never did. She raised her hand and grabbed her bag. "Ms. Kwan?" she called loudly. Ms. Kwan looked up from another student and started walking over to her. Ellie stood up as if to say it wasn't necessary.

"I'm not feeling well, may I go to the restroom?" Ms. Kwan paused for a moment, as if thinking it over, before nodding curtly.

As if by magic, ( a dark, sinister, evil magic, that is ) she ran into the one person she really didn't want to see. The only person who could make things worse. That person with his dark hair and converses and old stonewashed jeans was just making things horrible lately.

She fell on the floor, and her bag skidded across the hall. She sat up and glared at him, her eyes red. She started reaching for her bag, but she couldn't seem to grasp it. She kept doing so until she looked up, still on the floor, and saw Craig holding it over her head.

"You gotta beg for it." he smirked and there was a twinkle in his eye, as if he was being a bad boy.

"Fuck begging." she muttered, kicking him in the shin so that he dropped her bag. She got it and stood up, starting towards the bathroom. What was with everyone lately?

"What the hell is your problem!" he yelled after a moment. "I was joking!"

"Craig, just back the fuck off! Go back to ruining the Christmas show and not my life, okay? I hate you. Don't ever talk to me _again._" she didn't mean it. She thought she didn't mean it. Maybe she meant it. She could never hate him, could she? They had gotten along so well that summer, what happened? She rushed into the bathroom and grabbed the sink as if she was about to fall over. "Merry fucking Christmas, Ellie Nash." she whispered to herself as she looked in the mirror. Tears were flowing freely now, all over her face, making her eyeliner blurred under her eyes. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Merry fucking Christmas."


	2. Down, Set, Go

She twisted the ring around her finger slowly as she paced behind the curtain. In ten minutes they would push her out and she would have to introduce the group that couldn't have been as prepared as she wanted them to be. She was no good with speeches. She could write it out, but the words never seemed to flow to her. It looked great on paper but when those same words tumbled out of her mouth, they just weren't the same.

"Places, please!" Ellie's fingers tightened and she spun the ring faster and faster. "Ellie, Ellie! Get out there!" stage crew put a microphone securely in her hand and pushed her out onto the stage.

Fuck.

"I-it would be rude to say we're saving the best for last, seeing as all of the students here have been doing such a good job." her eyes darted across the many faces, and she was reminded of her grade school days, when she was the youngest girl in a Christmas play and she kept looking, but she never saw her Mother's or Father's face. She had started crying right in the middle of a scene, and they had to take her out of it for a few minutes to calm her down, but she had refused to go on unless she saw someone out there who cared at all. She wasn't an idiot, even when she was younger. She knew no one had even noticed. But she went back out, and she smiled as bright as she could. But there was still no one here today. "But music is w-what seems to tie everything together." she kept searching. There had to be someone. "Whether you be interested in Rock, Hip Hop, Jazz, Blues, or Religious-themed music, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you can feel the music in one way or another.." she looked back to her little group of players. They were all staring at her. That didn't help much. She turned back to look, just once more. And that's when it happened.

The door opened, and a rush of light flew in from the back of the pitch-black part of the gymnasium. A sillouette of a medium-sized boy who was obviously slouching appeared. The figure got a lot of looks as he walked in. He was obviously very late. No one could tell who it was, except for one Ellie Nash.

She smiled. A bright, shining smile. "Without further ado, the Degrassi Christmas Variety Hour will come to a conclusion with Degrassi's own 'Our Time To Shine' musical group." she nodded and turned around and began to walk away. She could hear the clapping behind her, but she didn't pay much attention to it. She was much too busy thinking about that boy.

Ashley, who had been in the Christmas skits instead of the band attacked her best friend with a hug as soon as she came back out. She hoped that this little speech would've cheered her up. "YOU DID SO GREAT!" Ashley smiled at Ellie, who gave a weak smile back. Someone had cared, though. Someone out in that audience might just have shown up for her.

Soon it was time for them to take their bows. Ellie was to be the last, since she had been the director of the whole thing. She hadn't asked for the job, it was given to her. The teachers had all decided she would be best. However, she hadn't taken it to be a good thing at the time. The musicians went out and all bowed together, and it was finally her turn.

She walked out slowly. It was eerily quiet. She could hear her converses slap against the floor, and no one was speaking, as if they were waiting with bated breath. She got to the middle and took a bow, slowly but surely. As she started to get up she could hear the clapping start up and then booming. They were clapping for -her-, and what she had done. The next thing came as a shock. A bouquet of roses fell at her feet and she looked up to see one Sean Cameron standing in front of her, grinning like mad. She scooped them up and was about to jump down from the stage and attack him with a hug, but then her mind started working. He had left her, what right did he have to be kissed- no, even touched?

She turned on her heel and walked out with a stride to prove she didn't need him.

-----

Once the glitz and glamour of the show was over, she was back to her anti-spirit spirit. She put on her coat wordlessly and sat in the back of Ashley's car. When the group of kids in the vehicle started singing Christmas carols she pulled out her ipod and blared it as loud as possible, refusing to take her headphones out. She kept looking out the window, and wondered why she had agreed to go to Ashley's after-party. Jay was sitting up front and holding Ashley's hand while Ashley steered the car with the other. Ellie rolled her eyes and for once found them to look a little disgusting. They had come together in the most interesting way, Ashley feeling down and out for her breakup with Craig and going to the ravine where she got smashed off her ass. Jay had, of course, been her knight in shining denim and watched over her that night. It must've took a lot of liking for him to do that. Ellie never really understood it. Usually he would've left girls out there to dry. Maybe he had something for her, or maybe he knew Ellie would knee him in the gut if he wasn't the Kerwin girl's little guardian angel. From that morning when they both woke up in a tunnel slide at a local park with busting headaches, the two of them never seemed to break apart. Ellie could see the little sparks flying, and talked a very in-denial Hogart kid to ask out the little musician. It had all come from there, and Ashley always loved to talk about how she was so happy that she had decided to get wasted that night, or one of the best things in her life wouldn't have happened to her.

They stopped in front of Ashley's house along with a ton of cars that had followed. They all ran out like little bugs scattering. Ellie promptly took her time to get out of the car and walk inside before falling on the couch. Soon she could hear Christmas music playing as her peers danced around in Ashley's living room to Jingle Bell Rock and what seemed like thousands of even more cliche holiday songs. Jay left Ashley for a moment and walked towards her. "Hey, Nash." he said, standing nearly over top of her. "Can I talk to you for just a tiny second?"

"Well, I really am busy brooding about shitty holidays but I guess I can take a break for five minutes." she snipped, standing up as Jay lead her upstairs to Ashley's room. He turned on the light and sat on the bed. "So, why didn't you talk to Seanny boy?" he grinned.

"What?" Ellie shook her head. "You brought me up here to ask me why I didn't talk to that bastard?" she laughed. "Nice." she turned to grab the doorknob.

"Bastard, eh?" he laughed. "So under all that girly exterior there's still the real Ellie Nash just waiting to control the Earth."

She turned back around and crossed her arms. "What are you talking about. I'm the real Ellie Nash."

"Not any more, you're not. Ever since Sean left you've been giving into everyone else. Like you lost all your sarcasm, all your brains, all your 'rage against the machine' bullshit. You act like when Sean left, he took the real you along with him, and left you with this retarded little 'vulnerable Ellie Nash'." he said the last part in a mocking tone.

She stepped closer to him. "I haven't changed."

"Oh, but you have, Ellie. Ask anyone. Anyway-" he decided it was time to change the subject before he got slapped in the face. He was walking the line and one little slip and the 'Real Ellie Nash' would kick him in the balls. "Wouldn't you like to know why your big bad Gangster came back?"

"I'm guessing he missed his candy bandits?" she rolled her eyes.

"No, not exactly. But he did miss someone." Jay stood up. "He missed you, Ellie. And everyone can see the damn feeling is mutual. I invited him to the play. He said you wouldn't talk to him. You proved him right. You wouldn't even look at that kid." Jay shrugged. "Maybe you are just a blank robot like Spinner said."

"SPINNER DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING!" Ellie screamed, frozen in her spot.

Jay smirked. "Merry Christmas, Scrooge Nash." he opened the door and walked out.

Ellie fell onto Ashley's bed and twisted the ring around her finger slowly. Everything was falling apart and she could feel it just, tumbling to pieces around her. But she could fix it, right? She was Ellie Nash. She could do anything that way. The room was dark but the loud heartbeat of the party underneath her filled her ears, it sounded much too hollow, however. There was nothing to celebrate. She had no one to celebrate with.

The door opened, slowly and with a loud creak. It dug into her ears and deep into her head and shattered her thoughts and what felt like her skull. It couldn't have been Jay, he would've stomped right in. Ashley was probably off too busy getting high, her new favorite pass time. Jay had changed that much of her. She and Marco had fallen out, (she would never say they hated each other, she loved him too much no matter what,) and Craig was a bastard. She sat up, and guess who stood there?

He looked embarrassed, like he had done something wrong. Well, of course, he had. He had left her and she had loved him and now she didn't know. Deep down maybe there was an answer, but it was questionable. Maybe when he had supposedly wrenched away her personality he had taken with him her ability to figure things out. But then again, she could never make decisions. That was Past, Present, Future. He grinned like a dope, or at least, that's the best way to put it.

"Hi." Sean's voice was raspy and he ran a hand through the tangled mess of hair on his head. He stepped closer towards her and Ellie sat up, looking him over. She hadn't got to examine him just yet. He was taller, but his eyebrows were still the same. She smiled a little unintentionally. She liked that, he was still 'eyebrows' to her. He seemed slimmer, and there were bags under his eyes. Maybe he hadn't eaten.

She sighed and didn't know what to say. How amazing, hmm? Ellie Nash with no words. Of course it was different than usual. She pulled her knees up to her chest and put her chin on top of her knees. "Hi." she finally replied blandly. Oh, wow, Ellie. What a great thing to say.

"I was thinking, maybe, we could talk?" he shrugged and played with his hat in his hands, shuffling his feet a little like he was too nervous to stop moving. Or maybe he thought he should be ready to run before he got smacked. Well, it was one of the two.

"Alright, talk." she nodded a little and twisted that damn ring on her finger some more. Talk about mannerisms, it was becomimg a huge habit. He nodded and bit his lip as if trying to remember what he had planned on saying.

"Well, I think I should talk to you. About what happened. And I understand that you hate me, because I left you. And that was really irresponsible. But, the thing is- I was gonna go crazy if I stayed here. I had to be somewhere else. I couldn't take you with me. I wanted to, I wanted to run away with you, but I had to be a man and face something I'd push out of my life for years. And now I'm facing it and I've never felt better but every day I'm reminded that I broke your heart and in the process of fixing something else, I broke mine, too." It was a rambled mess, quiet and hard to make out, but Ellie heard every word. It sunk into her head and she knew she would never forget. "Ellie, the thing is- I saw you again at that show and everything just came flooding back and I can't stand it any more, I love you, okay! And I understand if you hate me and never want to hear from me again but you need to know-"

She butted in on his gibberish. "You mean it?" her eyes lit up and she sounded so hopeful. She had stopped listening after 'I Love You'. A little voice in her head was screaming 'Damnit, Ellie, don't fall for it! He's not worth it' while another, much louder, yelled, 'Ellie! He loves you!'

"Of course I mean it!" he stepped closer and she pushed herself off the bed. She looked up at him and he laced his fingers with hers. They stood like that for a moment, before she stood on her tiptoes and crushed their lips together. She swore she could see fireworks on her eyelids.

And when he pulled back, he sighed and said, "Damn, this is going to make it so hard when I go back home."

----

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ashley and Jay has gotten a little bit of a backstory and I'll play more on it later. I hate to leave the chapter like this but I thought it'd get your attention, either that or make you want to kill me. Yes, Sean just said he's going back home. Sorry it took so long for this, with writer's block, stomach viruses and babysitting the gremlins that are in my family on Christmas Eve I've been busy. This isn't one of the best things I've written, but we kind of get a feeling as to why Ellie is so down on Christmas this year. Also, there will be more play on Spinner's opinion of Ellie and how she gets it to change very quickly. Next chapter we'll find out how Ellie reacts to what Sean just told her, we'll figure out why Ellie despises Craig so much, and we'll see what's going to happen between Ellie and Marco when they confront each other. Thanks for the reviews, they're really appreciated! 


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